The past two days have been a constant struggle for me. It all started during a walk for cancer and I saw all the people who had survived cancer. It made me think of my mother and how unfortunate it was to lose her in my life. If that horrible disease had only went away we would have been with the survivors group. Sadly we weren’t. I tried to stay calm during the event and managed to do a good job of not breaking down, but now the full effect is taking over and I truly wish to never leave my room again.
Not only that but for some reason I have now also begun to have these constant bouts of extreme sadness, dissidence from others, and even thoughts of no purpose in life. For some reason I can’t explain it, but they completely stun me at times that anything that I try to do that is enjoyable just seems boring and pointless. I felt so bad today during a Hall Council meeting when I was really not even at the meeting. I feel so bad because I feel like I hurt someone’s feelings. Then to top the cake, when I received a phone call, I was completely not there as well. I almost wasn’t even listening until they asked if I had wanted to talk to someone in the health office. So I got out of the bout and instantly acknowledged that I could truly tell someone everything that I was going through. Maybe they would have some answer for my life and restore my life and joy.
Apart from that, I believe that I am starting to move my perfectionist’s beliefs to the forefront of my life. I have gotten so worked up over the past few days because I got a 90 on a test! It was so depressing and disenchanting to receive such a dreadful grade! But I should have been happy to get an A but I am not. I guess I feel that I should get a 100 on everything and if I don’t then I just wasted my time!!!
One of the more positive things that have happened is that I am truly beginning to put my religious beliefs into action. Several issues are big and controversial and I am going to remain firm in my literal interpretation of the bible and declare that certain circumstances shouldn’t be the way they are. Even if people ridicule, mock, and even try to impose their view, I will not progress and take back my belief. It would be pointless.
On another note, nothing that spectacular happened over the weekend and on today!
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I'm sorry to hear that you are having a rough time right now. Just take one day at a time, and don't always feel as if you are a failure to life. Yes, some days I which I stayed asleep but I must move on. You can't fear life, you must stay positive and keep your head up. And about this 90. It's still an A, think about the people who got like D's and F's. Right now in AP Stats, we are having the hardest time trying to learn. We all hate that class. I know losing your mother was a hard time in your life, but just remember to stay positive. I am don't wanna say to much to get you down again but, just remember I know more than you think about cancer. The specific one "breast cancer" and that's all I'm saying, if we have a serious relationship later on in life then I will tell you but not now. :(
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